A couple of weeks ago I attended a symphony concert. I love the symphony and still hold fond memories of my time with them as Executive Director. Yet as I sat in the audience I realized how much I had changed since I had left to start my own business, to follow my path of exploration. I no longer felt as if this organization, these people and this music were mine. You can’t go back. The voice in my head whispered loudly. You can only go forward.
The message comes to me once again: Let go of your story. It is time for the new you to come forth, the butterfly to emerge from the cocoon. I realize I am so much more than just a mother who lost a child, more than BellaSpark, the business I poured my heart and soul into for the past fourteen years, more than a radio show that I identified with. Yes, all is part of who I am, but they do not define me. Each was an important part of my journey, and now a part of the fabric of my life, a grand quilt made of many different threads. Yet I am so much more than these pieces. I am a spiritual being, a unique expression of God.
I am reminded of quote by one of my favorite teachers, don Miguel Ruiz: “Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment. Letting go of the past means you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now.”
So I have been letting go. Releasing all that I was, all that I perceived myself to be, all that I imagined had defined me. It has not been easy, after all, if I am not these things, then who am I? I have indeed struggled, often clenching my fists and declaring to the Universe “I’m not ready to let that go yet!
But now finally, I am empty. Empty, laid open like a gutted fish exposed and rotting on the dock in the bright sun. That which I once was is no longer. Now it is just me – empty, yet somehow full. What do I do now? Who am I? What is my role? The questions flood my mind even as the elusive answer comes from my heart. YOU ARE and that is enough. JUST BE.
I feel lighter even as the weight of the unknown attempts to wrap itself around me like a dark and heavy wool blanket. No! I shrug it off. I trust that all is unfolding perfectly and I say YES! Yes to the new, to however my soul wishes to express itself.
It is difficult to be empty. The human mind doesn’t like nothingness. We fill our heads with unending thoughts and reasons, to do lists and busyness, endless preoccupations, anything to make us feel that we, this physical body, is real. In truth, it is the Spirit that is real, the Soul that is eternal. This body, this life, is just an illusion. The real being is beyond this.
So here I am, an empty vessel, cleared of the last dregs of what once was Donna. I trust that it will not be empty for long. The Universe hates a vacuum and I know that I am not done yet. There is more my physical aspect wishes to experience, to create in the physical world. My New You, my New Donna, is just waiting to pour into me with a new quest. My journey has just begun.
**Thank you Kimmie Rose for the opportunity to be part of your radio show for the last five years. It was truly a wonderful experience and opportunity for growth. I will treasure our friendship for always.