"I honor my daughter not by being her voice but by being mine; by living life fully and embracing the initiations of the soul - the pain as well as the joy - and by letting go of my fears and stepping into my authentic self."
I was having one of those days. You know, the kind of day where you do something really stupid and then beat yourself up over it for several days after. Well here I was, well into day two of flogging myself – you know how it works, you start dredging up past wrongs, one after another, months and then years’ worth, and heap those on top of the current wrong you did. Pretty soon you’ve got a pile of boulders on your back and you’re walking around all hunched over and angry. Mad at yourself for being so stupid, seeing yourself as a total screw up, over and over and over.
I recently got a new computer, it has the new operating system Windows 8. A big change from my old system; completely different, totally unfamiliar and driving me crazy. It’s not intuitive to me and to say that I struggle trying to figure out where to go and how to do things is an understatement. My old system didn’t have all the new bells and whistles that the new one does, but at least it was familiar and I knew how to navigate it. Why do they have to change everything?
Energetically, planet Earth is in the same predicament. Since the shift in 2012, we too have upgraded to a new operating system, transitioning from the old 3D paradigm into a 5th Dimensional one. Gone are all the old rules and structures that we knew. Even if we didn’t like the old system, at least we knew how to navigate it – it was familiar.
Change is the only constant and now more than ever we need to be open to change. We are awakening and as we awaken we are being asked and nudged to live in a new way – to function in a new operating system. And guess what? There are no rules – we’re creating this New Earth as we go along.
I have come full circle. Twelve years ago, after the death of my daughter Kristi, I began a journey, one born out of desperation and a need for answers, an attempt to answer the age old question of why. Why my child? Why me? What’s the meaning of life? You know how it goes.
My life revolved around my desire to understand. It changed me, who I was, what I wanted. My seeking led me to quit my job, to start a business and to purchase a magazine. BellaSpark Productions was born to contain these new experiences – our mission to be a catalyst: to stimulate, inspire and embolden individuals and communities in their growing spiritual awareness by providing access to consciousness raising ideas, people and information. Bella means Beautiful and Spark is for the Divine Spark in all of us.
I Quit! No, no, not life – though sometimes I would like to.
I quit smoking. Cold turkey. December 19th was my last day. I haven’t mentioned it before because I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep it up, but so far, 43 days later, I’m still at it.
Oh how I love to smoke, so letting go of this habit is a big deal for me. I recognize and appreciate all the long-term benefits to quitting, however, I was surprised by a hidden benefit: it has allowed me to practice my spirituality in a big way. Let me explain:
I have started running. You might be wondering why a woman would begin running at age 62. It’s a question I have asked myself often. I have never been into running, after all I have short legs and small lung capacity. This is not a runner’s body; at least that’s what I tell myself. I started out walking, a nice two mile path that got me going in the morning. Somewhere from within I got the nudge to try running a bit. So I would run a little and then walk, run a little more, walk, and so forth. One morning the message in my head was “What would it feel like to run the entire way? Do you think you could?” So I gave it a shot and sure enough, I was able to run the full two miles non-stop.
My husband says I use the word should a lot – always telling my children and him what they should do. I realize he’s right. Not only do I impart what I think they should do, I am constantly tell myself what I should be doing. I should eat better. I should exercise more. I should turn off the TV and read a book. I should get this project done and not procrastinate any longer. I should go to bed earlier. I should scrub the shower before it gets totally disgusting. Not only that, but I send myself conflicting messages: I should spend more time working and I should work less and have more balance in my life, sometimes all in the same day! My life is one big SHOULD.